I'll Never Be The Mom Who...

If you have ever said these words, be prepared to eat them. I had heard this sentiment before having my baby, but I naively thought, “That won’t be me.” As a person living with anxiety, I tend to be a rule-follower and safety is one of the most important things to me. That means I couldn’t imagine that I would ever ignore the bold print in capital letters shouting at me, “IT IS NEVER OKAY TO LEAVE A BABY UNATTENDED.” Obviously, I’m not advocating for parents to leave their babies unattended, but it is unrealistic to think that it won’t ever happen. Especially before the baby can roll over, you can get away with putting them in the boppy while you grab the tea kettle or in their swing while you race to the bathroom.

The reality of parenthood is that things are never the way you pictured them. I will never forget the night my husband and I took turns having our little one sleep on our chests because it was the only way anyone was going to get any sleep. We were exhausted after nearly two weeks of cluster feeding (our little one is formula fed so we split the feedings), and I worried that if I didn’t get some sleep, I would actually lose my mind. The warnings and bold letters were floating around in my subconscious, but I made a decision to prioritize sleep over “the rules.” And you know what? We all lived. We all slept.

There are times when you have to improvise and just do what works. One of the most common things people said to me after our little one was born was, “Make sure you sleep when the baby sleeps!” It seemed so simple. I thought I wouldn’t be that tired because I would have plenty of opportunities to nap, especially since newborns sleep so much. Maybe it works out that way for some families, but that isn’t how it went for us. Early in my maternity leave, I was so influenced by what was considered unsafe that I barely napped because my little one wanted and needed to be held almost all the time. I tried getting him to nap in his bassinet, cradle, soother - you name it, he wasn’t having it. I was so tired that finally, I decided to try to just nap with him on my chest. It’s not ideal and not the safest option, but it is the only way I got sleep during the day for those first few months.

New parents often experience the feeling that we must parent perfectly and follow all of the rules, all of the time. It just won’t happen that way, and that’s okay. There is a lot of pressure to just “know” how to do things as a parent, when really, we just have some idea of what NOT to do because it has been drilled into us on the tags of mattresses, blankets, and toys. And it turns out, those warnings weren’t completely accurate or helpful either.

One of the hardest things about being a mom who lives with anxiety is that I know that I likely can’t protect my little one from everything. I figured that if I followed the rules, it would at least give me an advantage over the uncertainty of life. However, I quickly learned that our family (and everyone’s family!) is unique and that we had to do what worked for us, because the “rules” are not one-size-fits-all.