Oxygen Mask

I felt completely unprepared for all the changes I experienced postpartum. I was so focused on waiting for our little one to come and getting to hold him in my arms, that I just assumed things would come naturally. After all, I’ve wanted to be a mom since as long as I can remember. What I didn’t realize was that my body would still be healing from giving birth at the same time that I was learning to care for a newborn. I honestly didn’t even consider the fact that I would likely be bleeding for weeks and unable to physically move the same way I had pre-baby for a while. I really thought that the birth itself would be the hardest part.

After our little one arrived, I experienced emotions and thoughts that I wasn’t expecting. I felt like I had just taken on more responsibility than I could handle, but there wasn’t much I could do since the baby was already here. I wondered if things would ever get easier or if my life would always revolve around his feedings and naps. I felt like I couldn’t do anything because two hours would pass so quickly, and all of a sudden, it would be time to feed or change the baby again. I would realize that I hadn’t eaten lunch and it would already be 3pm. Time seemed as if it was both racing by and standing still. Days turned into nights and nights back into days and it felt like everything was a blur. I would wake up and think, “Oh yeah, we have to do this all over again today.” I felt apprehensive and unsure of myself.

It seemed like my entire world completely changed overnight and I didn’t recognize anything, including myself. I had waited impatiently for 9 months for our little one to arrive, and now that he was here, I was completely overwhelmed. I felt like I should know what to do, but nothing was familiar. I was scared to go to sleep because I didn’t know how many times he would wake up and I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to calm him. I was afraid that if I let myself fall asleep, something bad would happen. I felt emotional over little things and cried every day for a week. I missed our life before the baby was born and hated myself for feeling that way. Even though I was embarrassed and ashamed of these thoughts and feelings, I finally opened up to my mom friends. They told me that they had some of the same thoughts and explained that all of it was normal due to hormonal changes. I felt so much better knowing that I was not the only one who had felt this way and it didn’t mean that I didn’t love my new baby. They reassured me that things would get easier in time, though I was currently in the trenches.

I was also surprised by the amount of guilt I felt in the first few weeks. I thought that I would be able to take things as they came and be kind to myself as I figured out being a new mom. Instead, I felt guilty about the feelings I was having, for not being able to do as much around the house as I wanted, and because my husband was doing a lot of the work. That first week, he did the majority of the feedings while I pumped. We were both getting up every 1-2 hours. When I would take my daily sitz bath to help me heal, I could often hear the baby crying and then I felt bad that he had to figure things out alone. I also started taking daily walks with our dog to get fresh air and a little exercise, but I felt horrible for leaving him with the baby while I got out of the house.

Finally, with the help of my therapist, I realized that I would not be any good to anyone if I wasn’t taking care of myself first. He used the oxygen mask analogy (“Put on your mask before helping others”) and it really resonated with me. The concept seems obvious, but at the time, I felt like I needed permission to prioritize myself. I slowly started to feel like more like myself with each day that passed. I felt more confident and able to care for our baby, which made the nights less scary. I tried to focus on the fact that my husband and I are a team, and it wasn’t all on me to figure it out. It’s not like this change in perspective fixed everything – I still feel guilty sometimes. However, when that guilt pops up, I repeat to myself, “oxygen mask.” It’s a good reminder for me that taking care of myself is the only way I can be the best mom to our little one.